Song Lyrics

Select a song from the list (in order of episode):


Opening Theme (every episode) LISTEN TO THIS SONG!!!!   (from the first seasons before redone for the third)

This song is played at the beginning of every episode.  It features the entire family and some back up singers singing.  Much debate surrounded whether Stewie actually said "Effin cry" (also thought to be "F-ing") or laugh and cry.  Click Here to read all about it.


(Lois) "It seems today that all you see is violence and movies and sex on TV."
(Peter) "But where are those good old fashioned values,"
(All) "On which we used to rely.
Lucky there's a family guy.
Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us,"
(Stewie) "Laugh and cry"
(All) "He's our family guy."


Moonlight Bay(107/1ACX07) LISTEN TO THIS SONG!!!!

This song is played in episode 107, Brian: Portrait of a Dog.  It features the dog Brian singing 4 octaves at once.

(Brian) "We were sailing along
on moonlight bay...
We could hear the voices singing,
they seemed to say..."


We Only Live to Kiss your Ass (201/1ACX08) LISTEN TO THIS SONG!!!!

This song is played in episode 201, Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater.  It features the entire family and all of the help at the mansion singing together.

(All) "We only live to kiss your ass."
(Butler) "Kiss it, hell we'll even wipe it for you"

(All) "From here on in it's easy street"
(Peter) "Are there any bars on that street?"
(Butler) "24 happy hours a day!"

(All) "We'll stop Jehovah's at the gate."
(Guard) "Can I see that pamphlet sir?" [hits him with it]

(Peter) "My god this house is freakin' sweet!"

(Cook) 'I makes brunch, Clyde cooks lunch"
(Both) "each and every day"
(Clyde) "Chocolate cake, la Blake"
(Peter) "100 bucks, Blake is gay"

(All) "We'll do the best we can with Meg"
(Meg) "You saying I'm ugly?"
(Maid) "It doesn't matter dear, you're rich now!"

(All) "We'll do your nails and rub your feet"
(Lois) "Oh that's not necess.. oh my!"

(All) "We'll do your homework every night."
(Chris) "It's really hard."
(Butler) "That's why we got that Stephen Hawking's guy."

(Peter) "My god this house is freakin' sweet!"

(Peter) "Used to pass lots of gas, Lois ran away."
(Peter) Now we got thirty rooms! Hello BEANS! Goodbye SPRAY..."

(All) "We'd take a bullet just for you!"
(Stewie) "Oh what a coincidence I've got one" [pulls gun out of Rupert]
(Lois) "Stewie!"

(All) "Prepare to suck that golden tea."
(All) "Now that you're stinking rich, we'd gladly be your bitch."

(Peter) "My god this house is freakin' sweet!"
(All) "Welcome!"

[Music Ends]

(Maid) "That's a rap people. Now let's get the hell out of here."
(Peter) "Wait a second, where you going?"
(Maid) "The old bag only paid us up through the song."
(Lois) "Well, we can just pick up after ourselves. After all we'll just be here on weekends."
(Peter) "No no, Lois, it's time you started living like the piece of Schmitt you are!"
(Lois) "That's Pewterschmitt."
(Peter) "W, Wait you guys, you guys, you're all hired to be full time Griffin servants!"
(Lois) "Peter, where are we going to get the money to pay all these people?"
(Peter) "Simple, I sold our house in Quahog"
(Lois) "You sold our home!"
(Peter) "Surprise!"
(Lois) "Peter how could you!"
(Peter) "Whoops!"

[Music Starts again]

(Peter) "I recognize that tone, tonight I sleep alone. But still this house,
(All) "Is freakin' sweet!"



Randy Newman's Song (203/2ACX06) LISTEN TO THIS SONG!!!!

This song is played in episode 203, Da Boom!  It features Randy Newman at a piano singing about what he sees.

(Randy) "Fat man with his kids and dog
Drove in through the morning fog
Hey there Rover, come on over..."

(Lois) "Well, it's nice to have music whilst we eat." (Spoken)

(Randy) "Red headed lady, reaching for an apple
Gonna take a bite, nope, nope,
She gonna breath on it first, wipe it on her blouse.
She takes a bite, chews it once, twice, three times, four times, Stops!
Saliva workin', takes a hard long look at Randy ...five times
Fat old husband walking over"

(Lois) [spoken] "Let's get the hell out of here."

(Randy) "They're walking down the road
Left foot, right foot
Left foot, right foot


Anna Finale (207/1ACX15) LISTEN TO THIS SONG!!!!

This song is played in episode 207, The King Is Dead.  It features Peter, Brian, and many backup singers singing in front of a live audience.

(Peter) [spoken] Siam, 2015.  The city lies in ruins after the 9th nuclear world war.
(Peter) It is a grim future, with lots of explosions and partial nudity.
(Peter) A future where an oppressive new king has seized power.
(Peter) Only one man can stop him.. NO!  One machine...
(Peter) [bursts through wall] I am an Atomaton Nuclear Neo Android.  You may call me Anna.
(Peter) I am a robot ninja from the planet, England, who is here to destroy you and free this land from you tyranny.
(Brian) I've been expecting you Anna.  Allow me to introduce my Siamese children [claps hands]
(Peter) I will not be swayed by your attempts to confuse my programming with your all female sex orgy.  WE MUST KUNG-FU FIGHT!
(Brian) So be it, Anna.

[Cuts to Anna standing victorious]

(Peter) I have slain the evil emperor.  I hereby proclaim this land the United States of America.

(Singers) [now singing] "Anna rules!"
(Peter) "Cause I kick all the bad guys in their jewels." [kicking singers]
(Singers) "Anna won"
(Peter) "Thanks to my gamma ray atomic gun."
(Singers "Dance and shout"
(Singers) "He's the World's greatest ninja there's no doubt."
(Peter) "Though they tried to defeat me, they can all just freakin' eat me."
(Brian) "Cause he blew all of us away."
(Everyone) "In the planet of Siam there's no one as tough as I am, just as surely as Pauland was gay."


I've Grown Accustomed to her face (210/1ACX09) LISTEN TO THIS SONG!!!!

This song is played in episode 210, Running Mates.  It features Stewie singing about how he misses Lois.

(Stewie) Damn, damn, damn, damn
I've grown accustom to her face
She Always makes the day begin
I've grown accustom to the tune that she whistles night and noon
Her smiles, her frowns, her ups, her downs are second nature to me now
Like breathing out, and breathing in
I'm very grateful that she's a woman
And so easy to forget,
rather like a habit one can always break
And yet I've grown accustomed to her look,
accustomed to her voice, accustomed to her face.

(unseen audience) "awwww....."

DAMN YOU ALL! [fires laser]


I'm Going to Make you Famous (211/2ACX07) LISTEN TO THIS SONG!!!!

This song is played in episode 211, A Picture is Worth A Thousand Bucks.  It features Peter singing about Meg and dancing with her.

(Peter) I had a dream, it's all about you - Meg Griffin.
Not much you can do - Meg Griffin.
You can't dance, you can't sing,
No you pretty much can't do a thing.
Never fear, Dad is here.
Honey you're gonna make our name famous,
You'll be larger than life.
I'll be glad you fell out of my wife.
You'll be known, far and wide,
Like that Princess who died.
I'm gonna make you famous, wait and see
Honey I'm gonna do this for you,
But it's really for me.



Road to Rhode Island (213/2ACX12) LISTEN TO THIS SONG!!!!

This song is played in episode 213, Rhode to Road Island.  It features Stewie and Brian singing together in a train car..

(Stewie) [spoken] Well, it hasn't been all bad.  I must admit, there were some moments that were, dare I say, fun.

(Both) We're off on the road to Rhode Island
We're having the time of our lives.

(Stewie) Take it dog...

(Brian) We're quite a pair of partners,
Just Like Thelma and Louise.
'cept you're not six feet tall
(Stewie) Yes and your breasts don't reach your knees.
(Brian) Give it time.

(Both) We're off on the road to Rhode Island,
We're certainly going in style.

(Brian) I'm with an intellectual, who craps inside his pants.
(Stewie) How dare you. At least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants.
(Brian) Oh, pee jokes

(Both)  We've traveled a bit and we've found,
Like a masochist in Newport we're Rhode Island bound.

(Brian) Crazy travel conditions, huh?
(Stewie) First class or no class
(Brian) Whoa, careful with that joke, it's an antique

(Both) We're off on the road to Rhode Island
We're not going to stop until we're there
(Brian) Maybe for a beer.

(Brian) Whatever dangers we may face, we'll never fear or cry
(Stewie) That's right, until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die.  Please!

(Both) We're off on the road to Rhode Island,
The home of that old campus swing.

(Brian) We may pick up some college girls, and picnic on the grass.
(Stewie) We'd tell you more, but we'd have the censors on our ass. (Brian) Yikes!

(Both) We're off on the road to Rhode Island
We certainly do get around.
Like a bunch of renegade pilgrims
Who are thrown out of Plymouth colony.
We're Rhode Island bound.
Or like a group of College Freshmen
who were rejected by Harvard and forced to go to Brown.

We're Rhode Island Bound!

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